Marriages, which started with the promise to last a lifetime, begin to be shaken to the core with the emergence of some problems over time. Couples nurture these problems together. In the last stage, they face the danger of ending the marriage. Psychologist and Marriage Therapist Adil Mavis points out that couples should act together, not singularly, in the face of problems in order to maintain a healthy marriage that started happily.
According to a study conducted in the USA, the singular act of couples in solving their problems causes the problems to grow. However, the fact that one party is seen as the source of problems and the other is in the position of a victim makes things difficult. For this reason, it is necessary to determine the situations that do not go well in marriage together. Both sides accepting the existence of the problem first, and seeing how this situation came to be, without blaming each other and without escaping responsibility, are important steps on the way to a solution. Acting together in the solution options found together is the main factor that will save the unity.
Psychologist and Marriage Therapist Adil Mavis has identified 5 basic mistakes made in marriage as a result of the therapies he has done over the years. He called them “5 Sins That Cause Marriages to End”. Because, according to him, as a result of the 5 wrongs that we will talk about shortly, many marriages come to an end or end directly.
Adil Mavis warns families by pointing out that minor problems in marriage can grow like snowballs over time. Maviş said, “Continuously postponing the problems can change the perspectives of couples towards each other over time. Then the communication breaks down and the other person starts to find fault,” he says, emphasizing the need not to ignore minor problems in marriages.
Now we move on to our interview, where we asked Adil Mavis and got her answers in detail…
How should we approach problems in marriage?
Adil Mavis: It would be more correct to look at the structure of marriage first. The concept/institution we call marriage is the establishment of a common life between two people. In this concept, starting to be a family means accepting to live a common life under all circumstances. There will come a time in marriage and problems will inevitably arise, in which case the two parties’ blaming each other is the main reason for “making problems into problems”.
So, what should we do in this situation, how should we approach it?
Adil Mavis: Conversations turn into arguments in a short time and couples who do not know negotiation techniques lose healthy communication and then the relationship. That’s why it’s important to know when to shut up and listen first. Instead of acting out of anger, we should deal with conflicts by talking without turning them into attitudes. According to my observations, most couples use incriminating language and call it talking. Most people do not use us language. Since everything is common in marriage, the problems experienced in that structure are also common.
Here are 5 sins in relationships that cause marriages to end!
Adil Maviş, who has been working as a marriage therapist for many years in Turkey, underlines that she had the opportunity to examine and observe many couples who received therapy from her at the same time. He has determined that the factor that ends the marriage is not the problems, but rather a dead end by making the problems a problem. The concept of sin here is not used in a religious sense.
5 what is the concept of sin?
Adil Mavis: We can examine the problems that should not be done and that, if done, the cost of ending the marriage, in 5 separate sections. These five chapters cover the wrong attitudes and behaviors that couples have towards each other.
Couples’ first mistake against each other , judgmental style and criticism; constantly looking for the fault on the other side and as a result, constantly criticizing. Another dimension of the criticism made by the couples here is to generalize over a behavior. For example, “You never understood me during our relationship, you always think about yourself, you have no sense of responsibility” and similar examples.
If one side is being critical in this way, how should the other party approach?
Adil Mavis: At this point, couples may act as follows instead of being accusatory, “You didn’t keep your promise to me and you didn’t provide an explanation, so this behavior is satisfactory so that it doesn’t cause problems with my trust in you. I deserve an explanation.” This will prevent the growth of problems and create a calmer environment. As a result, a step will have been taken that will enable problems to be discussed in a more comfortable environment.
You said that the concept consists of five parts. Could you briefly touch on the other parts?
Adil Mavis: We said that couples’ first mistake against each other , judgmental style and criticism.
The second is to use “you” language instead of “me”. For example, instead of “I’m sorry you acted like this”, say “You always make me sad because of you (your mother, your selfishness, negligence, etc.)”. To defend with approaches that target personality/values instead of interpreting the effect of behavior on you.
Third to use a language of humiliation and humiliation or contempt. At this point, married couples engage in behaviors such as being sarcastic, sarcastic to each other and seeing themselves as superior to their spouses with anger. One of the most fundamental mistakes that destroy relationships is this behavior. For example, expressions such as “You can’t even do a job, you’re stupid, I told you so” are expressions intended to humiliate and humiliate the individual. We should absolutely avoid them.
As the fourth , building a wall among the least talked about but perhaps the most dangerous. The behavior of building a wall, which we call the person’s psychologically shutting himself off from the outside world and cutting off communication with the other person, gives the message “I don’t care what you say, you are worthless”. For this reason, it is necessary to avoid these forms of behavior that shake the relationship deeply and make the other party seem unimportant.
Fifth is to be constantly on the defensive against criticism. In this case, the two parties constantly start blaming the other person in order to protect themselves, no matter what the problem is. He constantly judges the other person with sentences such as “This is your fault, you were responsible for this matter and you did not fulfill your responsibility” and as a result, the person who is constantly accused starts to move away from the relationship. Of course, even if one of the two parties is right in this conflict, it will cause damage to the bilateral relationship and perhaps the end of teamwork, that is, the bankruptcy of the marriage.
If couples have started to make problems a problem, how can they go about getting rid of it?
Adil Mavis: You cannot solve problems without changing the perception that problems are created. In other words, it is not possible for you to be a happy couple, even if you are right in the end, with a behavior model created by your own consciousness and constantly on the defensive. Moreover, by repeating the same behaviors, you only cause these problems to become stronger. As a relationship therapist, it is necessary to evaluate personality differences in a very short time and to evaluate why they are experiencing this situation and what they should do to solve it. This is only possible if both parties continue their search for a solution with the same sincerity. They need a professional look when their personal efforts are no longer paying off. Sometimes some kind of professional testimony is required to confirm that a broken relationship is truly over.
At what stage do couples usually apply to a marriage therapist? At the beginning of the problems or at the very advanced levels?
Adil Mavis: They can ask for help from a family therapist with the offer of one party and the acceptance of the other party in the last stage, which mostly comes to an end. Among the 5 sins that end the marriage, these problems usually come to the surface after a while, and usually serious adjustment problems (sexual, social, cultural), infidelity, negative effects of work stress on family unity, financial problems, alcohol-substance-gambling addictions, individual psychological problems, parents It can be summarized as the continuation of their effects in the family.