If you knew there was something you could do to save your relationship, would you do it? I’m a person who likes to understand the reasons behind behavior and I’ve spent most of my life learning what maintains love in a relationship. I’ve been counseling couples for 43 years and I’ve realized that there is only one root cause of relationship problems, and realizing and resolving it changes everything.
That reason is that you surrender to your impulses and give up on your own things. When you make another person responsible for your self-esteem, you make the other person love you, accept you and do what you want. You’re manipulating it to do it. Controlling behaviors that stem from giving up on ourselves are starting to create major relationship problems . Let’s take a look at the types of giving up and how they cause problems in the relationship.
D emotional abandonment
Most of us encounter loneliness , heartbreak and despair as we grow up. These are big emotions and if our family hasn’t helped us get over them, we have to develop strategies to avoid them. We take refuge in four general solutions to avoid these great pains of life, and they create anxiety, depression , guilt, shame, and anger in us, which of course leads to relationship problems.
1- We judge ourselves rather than accept them. Judging ourselves creates anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and feelings of emptiness , and we cling to many addictions to escape these feelings. Judging ourselves also causes us to need the approval of others to feel valued , which can lead to problems in the relationship.
2- Instead of showing our emotions, we keep them inside. When you don’t know how to manage your emotions, you want to run away from them. Have you ever found yourself focused on your mind rather than your body, when you were unaware of your emotions? We are connected by our hearts and souls rather than our minds. When we follow our minds to escape from our emotions , we cannot establish an emotional connection with our partner.
3. We develop addictions because we want to numb the anxiety, depression, emptiness, guilt, and shame that arise when we judge ourselves and ignore our emotions. Alcohol, drugs, food, TV, gambling, shopping, work, sex addictions and others cause many problems in relationships.
4. We make our partner and other people responsible for our emotions. When we give up emotionally, we begin to believe that someone is responsible for making us feel loved and valued. Have you ever tried to control your partner with anger, criticism, resistance, or abandonment? Have you tried to get him to give you the value that you did not give yourself in these ways? How did he respond to this controlling behavior ? Financial renunciation
Problems arise when you want your partner to take your financial responsibility instead of calculating your own. Your partner wants to take this responsibility and you totally accept it, okay that’s okay. But this can become a real problem if you are irresponsible, overspending, or trying to control how your partner earns or manages their money.
Problems arise when you stop taking care of yourself physically, by eating unhealthy or not exercising. Your physical abandonment will not only affect your health but also your relationship.
Giving up communication
If you start to become apathetic or resistant in your relationship instead of maintaining communication, love has started to dissipate. When you abandon communication and become apathetic, you create a lack of trust that leads to a disconnection in the relationship .
When you make your partner the source of love instead of yourself, you are placing an unfair burden on your partner. When your approach to relationship is to be loved rather than shared love, you depend on your partner for attention, acceptance, time or sex . Your needs cause relationship problems when you don’t take responsibility for yourself.
Learn to love yourself instead of giving up on yourself
Loving yourself is the key to a good relationship. You will learn to fill yourself with love as you learn to connect to your spiritual resources to reach the love and wisdom within you.
Sacrifice creates a void within you that can be filled by others, while loving yourself fills that void. Self-compassion fills your heart and soul with love so that you can share your love with your partner instead of constantly trying to be loved.