In just a white dress and a wedding band, I jumped into a wild obscurity. My relationship must have ended at least 100 times by then, but I always refused to go through a breakup. I was afraid of my own magnificence, and it gave me lines to live in, until one day the marked space choked me and my only solution was to destroy those boundaries.
I learned that my heart is fearless
When I said “I accept” I didn’t know what kind of person I would be in five years, it’s important to me it wasn’t either. It didn’t matter if my marriage lasted a month or twenty years. It didn’t matter whether I got married for the completely wrong reasons or for reasons that were right at the time but would turn out to be wrong later on. The important thing is to look at all this and say, “Would I do the same thing again?” It’s not a question (which I would). The important thing is that I am fearless. Although a little worn my heart is even more fearless now. My heart is now stronger and ready to love again, in the light of what I’ve been through.
I became a better person
My marriage was not healthy emotionally and physically. I’ve spent 10 years of my life thinking and trying to be a person worthy of love. When I finally woke up and came to my senses, I realized that the love I really wanted did not require me to change anything in myself. So, I had to start over.
I had to learn to run a house on my own and control my budget. I needed to find new ways and circles of friends to pass the time. I had to deal with my own messes, and that was honestly not pleasant. I can’t even count how many nights I cried in my bed. I really thought I could do all this on my own.
But the other side of darkness is always light, and I had a chance to see who I really was, and from then on I made decisions about what I wanted to be. Maybe I discovered that it was always inside of me, and maybe my life had to come crashing down completely in order to become the person I was meant to be. The person I am after the divorce is not the tearful me who I was at first, sitting in a broken state, at the end of something that I thought would never end. I can clearly see right now that my marriage had to end in order for me to be this person in this moment; sometimes it’s all about remembering that inside all of us there is a flaming phoenix, albeit a small one.
I feel more confident, I know exactly what I want (and I’m not afraid to express it)
When my marriage ended, I was in a mood to make people happy; I was ready to be whatever you need, if being that thing means you accept and love me. When I came to myself after that, I saw that I was away from a lot of things. I knew on which subjects I could compromise, on which subjects I did not want to compromise . I know how I want my life to be, not what other people think; I have removed the term consent from my dictionary. I’ve learned to live the life I want without apologizing. I started to respect those who showed me unconditional love and support. When a friend or lover says he loves me, it means he loves me as a whole; When I’m gorgeous, when I make you laugh, when I make a mistake, or when I’m living one of those days when I want to run away. Love me as a whole or not at all. I don’t have time for halves or to prove to you that I deserve something… Because I already know that I deserve something. I am much more than meets the eye; I am not my hair color; I am not the smile wrinkles around my soft lips; I am not the size of my pants and what I deserve cannot be determined by the cup size of my bra. What makes me special, who makes me who I am, is the memories of those who know me about me: the feeling of freedom I evoke in others . I know I don’t have to apologize for being ridiculous; I do yoga but maybe have a glass of wine first. I realized that the most beautiful things in life contain many contradictions, and as a result I lost the desire to apologize for my own contradictions.
(A little) I admitted that I was crazy
Many things contributed to the dissolution of my marriage, but one of the most important was that I was honest with myself was not; I wasn’t really living the life that suited me. Life for me is chaotic, unpredictable and mostly driven by desire and passion. I sunbathe topless on the rocks around the roaring waterfalls; I do yoga in my underwear with music under the stars; I kiss the lips of a man who blows my mind. I know now that the way I live my life will never be the way we were told. Through my divorce, I learned that no matter how much someone loves me, they cannot have me completely. My heart is a crazy place and I crave the light of the full moon. I am wild and madly in love with life ; I don’t know the meaning of this life or where it will take me but still this life amazes me and I will sit under a dark sky making wishes to the shooting stars because I believe in the magic of life and love.